All Along The Watchtower
by Swamp Thing
Summary: Massive DC crossover featuring the JLA, The Legion Of Doom, The Comedian, Rorschach, Dark Knight's Joker, and... a surprise guest hero.


All Along The Watchtower

EXT. Alleyway- Gotham City- Night

A lone figure with a fedora, blue coat and blank face is standing, waiting, the wind blowing his tie. He is THE QUESTION. Soon, from above, another figure, clad in cape and cowl, swoops down before him. He is THE BATMAN.

THE BATMAN

Good evening, Vic. Thanks for meeting me.

THE QUESTION

Bruce. What's so urgent?

THE BATMAN

We have an interdimensional emergency. A villain from a parallel world has invaded ours, and teamed with our own villains, The Legion Of Doom.

THE QUESTION

Anyone I know?

THE BATMAN

Someone you've read about. Adrian Veidt. Ozymandias.

THE QUESTION

Whoah, whoah, whoah, you talking about the villain from the Watchmen? Rorschach's enemy?

THE BATMAN

In his world, in the end, Rorschach was his only enemy. And as you know, he was silenced. Ozymandias won his world, now he wants to bring his brand of "peace" to ours.

THE QUESTION

Rorschach sucks.

THE BATMAN

We need him. Nite Owl, Dr. Manhattan… they would go along with a world run by Luthor. But Rorschach, he knows what's right.

THE QUESTION

Look, even I'm not as black and white about justice as Rorschach is.

THE BATMAN

But you have a similar frame of reference. I need you to come with me to the dimensional portal in Metropolis.

INT. Watchtower

All the DC Universe superheroes, except of course for The Question and The Batman are gathered. MARTIAN MANHUNTER stands before them.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

I have called this emergency meeting to let you know we are all in peril. A villain from another Earth has crossed over. Ozymandias has joined forces with our Legion Of Doom. And if we are to stop him, we must call in his true enemies.

GREEN ARROW

Christ almighty, you're talking about bringing in the goddamned Watchmen!

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Don't be such a noob, Mr. Queen. The careful reader of Moore's masterwork will note that there are no "Watchmen," Mr. Queen. There are Minutemen and briefly there are Crimebusters. Only two of the heroes of that world will be able to aid us. Ozymandias's only true enemies: Rorschach and The Comedian.

GREEN ARROW

Look, greenie, The Comedian and Rorschach are hardly heroes. They're everything I'm against. I got enough trouble working with a walking a-bomb and the goddamned Question.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

That will be quite enough, Mr. Queen.

EXT. Metropolis

A glowing light is present. The Batman and The Question approach it.

THE BATMAN

We're gonna need The Comedian on this job, so if we're gonna do this right, we're gonna need to travel to a time before he was murdered.

THE QUESTION

The Comedian? Now there's a guy who shares my politics.

THE BATMAN

I thought you'd be pleased.

They step into the light and disappear.

INT. The Comedian's Apartment

THE COMEDIAN is seated on the couch, drinking a martini. Suddenly, The Batman and The Question appear in a flash of light.

THE COMEDIAN

Rorschach? Dreiberg?

THE QUESTION

Don't call me, Rorschach, pal.

THE COMEDIAN

What, who in the goddamned hell?

THE BATMAN

Mr. Blake, The Comedian, good evening.

THE COMEDIAN

How do you know who I am, buddy?

THE BATMAN

I know a lot of things, pal! Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamned Batman!

THE COMEDIAN

Never heard of you. So what the hell do you want?

THE BATMAN

I need you to come with us. Our world is in great danger.

THE COMEDIAN

Oh yeah? And why should I help you?

The Batman produces a pinup picture of WONDER WOMAN and BLACK CANARY.

THE BATMAN

They're on the team.

THE COMEDIAN

I'm getting my suit.

EXT. City Street

RORSCHACH is walking along. Soon, The Comedian, in full costume including the rapist mask. approaches him.

RORSCHACH

Comedian? Good evening.

THE COMEDIAN

Rorschach, I, uh, I found some guys who need us to come with them. Say, uh, they say Ozymandias is trying to destroy their world.

RORSCHACH

Veidt. Hurm.

The Batman and The Question step out of the shadows.

THE BATMAN

Will you help us?

RORSCHACH

Give me a chance to investigate Veidt. Suspicious. Possibly homosexual.

THE BATMAN

I don't think that's quite the problem.

THE COMEDIAN

Well, aren't you a little touchy?

THE QUESTION

He hangs out in caves with twelve-year-old boys.

THE COMEDIAN

Jesus Christ, man. I mean we've all got our demons, but shit. Who the fuck am I working with here, a faggot and a couple of motherfuckers with no faces? No offense, Rorschach, we've been friends for a long time, you know I love you.

RORSCHACH

Hurm.

THE BATMAN

I assure, you, sir, you will be working with the finest heroes in our universe.

THE COMEDIAN

Whatever, man. Listen, I got a Marxist republic to knock over. Now, that tail you were showing me is really nice, but if we don't get to it pretty friggin soon, I'm going to have to bid you gentlemen a fond farewell.

THE BATMAN

The portal across space and time will be opening shortly, leading straight into the Watchtower.

THE COMEDIAN

Alright, come on, you riders.

The portal opens and the four step into it, disappearing.

INT. Watchtower

The JLA is gathered, still with Martian Manhunter before them. Beside him, the portal opens and the four step out.

EXT. Hall Of Doom- Night

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Meanwhile, at the Hall Of Doom!

INT. Hall of Doom

Standard set up seen on the _Challenge Of The Superfriends _series, with all the usual villains gathered around the table, with LEX LUTHOR before them. But now, next to Lex Luthor, stands OZYMANDIAS!

OZYMANDIAS

Good evening, Legion Of Doom. I am stand before you a proud man. Like my idol, Alexander The Great, I have conquered my world. But unlike him, I do not weep, for I still have this world to conquer.

CAPTAIN COLD

Conquering the world! Sounds good to me!

OZYMANDIAS

The world I see with have peace and order. And we shall rule it!

VOICE

Well, well, well…

Soon, we see the owner of the voice step in! THE JOKER looking as scarred and filthy as ever.

THE JOKER

Never thought I'd see the day when the Legion Of Doom talked about world peace.

OZYMANDIAS

Ah, Joker. Lord of chaos. I feared you might give me trouble.

THE JOKER

Listen, Ozzy, I don't know how they do things back in your reality, but around here, we supervillains wants chaos, not order.

OZYMANDIAS

I see. Does everyone here feel the way Joker feels?

SOLOMON GRUNDY

Chaos!

THE RIDDLER

Actually, maybe Ozymandias is right. Life is a puzzle and maybe together we can finally figure it out. Assemble it.

THE JOKER

Then, there's only one thing to do. Whoever is with me, join me and together we shall destroy. Everyone else stay with John Lennon over here.

LEX LUTHOR

I never thought I'd see the day when the Legion Of Doom split up, but I suppose that is what it's come to.

INT. Watchtower

As before.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Comedian. Rorschach. I am greatly in your debt for your service.

THE COMEDIAN

Hey, I'm just here for the pussy. Where the white women at, you know what I'm saying? Nah, I'm just kidding around. Really though, I do plan to fuck all your bitches as soon as humanly possible.

RORSCHACH

Comedian. Strong libido. But I'm not here to discuss the morale lapses of a man who serves his country.

THE COMEDIAN

You damn right, strong libido, pal. And I'm looking around at some titties that I'd like to get my cock knee deep in.

RORSCHACH

That makes no anatomical sense.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Gentlemen, there will be time for this type of discussion later. Our intelligence indicates that both Ozymandias and The Joker have enter the Hall Of Doom. If those two are working together…

THE BATMAN

They wouldn't.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Bruce?

THE BATMAN

The Joker is an agent of chaos. Ozymandias's ultimate goal is control. Ideologically they are unmatched.

THE COMEDIAN

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What is this "Bruce" shit? I thought you were "the goddamned Batman." I can't speak for Ink Blot Face here, but I don't want anyone calling me by my real name.

RORSCHACH

Rorschach is my real name.

THE COMEDIAN

God, you're a freak.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

I assure you, you will be referred to only as The Comedian.

THE COMEDIAN

Damn right, greenie.

GREEN ARROW

Hey, I call him greenie, not you, you fucking Nazi.

THE COMEDIAN

Hey, I dig the eye mask, Robin Hood. I used to have one just like it before some gook bitch burned my face in Nam. Now I wear this.

GREEN ARROW

There is so much wrong with what you just said…

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Bruce, look around! Here we have Green Arrow and The Comedian on the same side and no two people are more ideologically unmatched than they. Who is to say that The Joker and Ozymandias are not similarly united?

THE BATMAN

Both The Joker and Ozymandias are too selfish to put aside their differences. Something about this isn't right.

INT. Hall Of Doom

As before.

LEX LUTHOR

I suppose that's the only way. Those who wish to go with Joker, shall, the rest go with Ozymandias. My heart weeps this day.

GORILLA GRODD

In a chaotic human world, the apes can at last arise victorious! I'm with you, Clown Face.

SOLOMON GRUNDY

Solomon Grundy love chaos!

TOYMAN

Fun and games! Always nice and chaotic! And we clowns gotta stick together!

OZYMANDIAS

Anyone else wish to join the clown?

No one speaks up.

THE JOKER

Grundy, Grodd, Toyman, we have work to do.

The four exit.

EXT. Hall Of Doom- Night

The four speed off in The Joker's speedboat.

INT. Watchtower

The computer is going off. Martian Manhunter goes to it.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Oh, hell.

THE BATMAN

What?

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

There's been an attack on Gotham City Hall. Led by The Joker. There were also sightings of Toyman, Gorilla Grodd and Solomon Grundy.

THE BATMAN

I'm on it.

THE COMEDIAN

Hey, Bats, Bruce, whatever. Take me with you on this one. There's two things I know in this world: everything's a joke, and my way around an assault rifle.

THE BATMAN

I don't kill.

THE COMEDIAN

You won't have to.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER

Bruce, take The Comedian with you. Take shuttle craft B.

EXT. Gotham City Hall- Night

It has a huge hole in it and The Joker's "Slaughter Is The Best Medicine" truck parked outside. Joker is firing a huge gun randomly about as Toyman, Grundy and Grodd attack random people. Soon, a shuttle craft comes down from the sky, from which emerge The Batman and The Comedian.

THE COMEDIAN

Who's the ass clown calling himself The Joker?

THE JOKER

Who wants to know?

THE COMEDIAN

Listen, you little face-paint-wearing motherfucker, you may be a Joker, but I'm a professional Comedian.

The Joker grabs The Comedian, knocks his gun away, grips his face and puts a knife in his mouth.

THE JOKER

Would you like to know how I got these scars? I used to be a comedian myself. But I wasn't very funny. So I got mixed up with the mob. And I lost them a whole lot of money. So, one night, on stage, wile I was performing, a thug came up, grabbed me and sliced my goddamned face open. And he left me looking like the poster child of laughter!

The Joker laughs wickedly. The Comedian kicks him in the ribs, knocking him to the floor.

THE COMEDIAN

Crack wise all you want, you little shit, but I get a last laugh.

He takes The Joker's knife and cuts The Joker's throat.

THE COMEDIAN

Anyone else feeling brave? Good.

THE BATMAN

Get in the shuttle, you're going to Arkham.

Gorilla Grodd, Solomon Grundy and Toyman oblige.

INT. Hall Of Doom

Ozymandias stands before the group.

OZYMANDIAS

Our opponents have been defeated. Our next step is to-

Suddenly, the building shakes!

EXT. Hall Of Doom

It is revealed that the swamp-based layer of the Legion Of Doom is being shaken by—THE SWAMP THING!!! Ozymandias steps out.

OZYMANDIAS

What is the meaning of this?

Swamp Thing grabs Ozymandias. From the shadows steps Rorschach.

SWAMP THING

Care to finish him?

RORSCHACH

Hurm.

Rorschach takes out a gun and puts a bullet in Ozymandias's head.

SWAMP THING

Looks like you made the killing joke.

RORSCHACH

Meta.

The portal opens. Rorschach steps through. The space craft lands, and The Comedian steps off the ship and through the portal as well. The Batman steps off too.

THE BATMAN

Well, Swamp Thing, you helped us out of another jam. You will always be a friend to…

ANNOUNCER

THE SUPERFRIENDS!!


End file.
